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How To Settle
Any Disagreement
Between Two
Christians in 35 Easy Steps
( Download
printable PDF version here )
First Rule:
Don't be quick
to quarrel. If you are, you're a fool. If you're a fool,
don't expect to get wisdom. Even
if it's pounded into you, you probably still won't get it.
Proverbs
20:3 "It is a man's honor to avoid strife, but every fool
is quick to quarrel."
Proverbs
23:9 "Do not speak to a fool, for he will scorn the wisdom
of your words."
Proverbs 27:22
"Though you grind a fool in a mortar, grinding him like grain
with a pestle, you will not remove his folly from him."
Titus 3:9-11
"But avoid foolish controversies and genealogies and arguments
and quarrels about the law, but these are unprofitable and
useless. Warn a divisive person once, then warn him a second
time. After that, have nothing to do with him. You may be
sure that such a man is warped and sinful; his is self-condemned."
Second Rule:
If you have to
contend on a point, do it in love for mutual edification. If
you do it to build yourself up, you're a fool.
Romans 14:19
"Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace
and to mutual edification."
I Thess. 5:11
"Therefore encourage each other and build each other up, just as
in fact you are doing."
Third Rule:
Only Truth can
be trusted. It is rare and pure and only comes from God.
Any man-made thing will burn off in the fire. Focus
on the eternal. See the big picture.
Romans 1:25
"They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshipped and
served created things rather than the Creator -- who is forever
praised. Amen."
I Corin.
13:9-11 "For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when
perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I
talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
Ready?
Ok, here we go.
How To Settle
Any Disagreement
Between Two
Christians In 35 Easy Steps.
1. Are we in
agreement that we are going to seek Truth so as to build each other
up, not to just win an argument?
Yes _____ No
_____ If not, stop talking RIGHT NOW. What were you
thinking? Is this the best you can do with your time?
2. Are we in
agreement that this is something that has eternal consquences on our
souls or on those around us?
Yes _____ No _____
If not, stop wasting time on it and go preach the Gospel.
3. Are we going to
love each other no matter how this discussion turns out?
Yes _____ No _____
If not, stop talking now and get on your knees and pray to be more
like Jesus.
4. If we find that
we are in the wrong, are we going to change our ways in keeping with
the Truth we found?
Yes _____ No _____
If not, stop talking. What's the point of talking at all if
you're unwilling to change anyway?
5. Do we agree
that the Bible is the Word of God?
Yes _____ No
_____ If not, stop talking. At least one of you is probably not
a Christian.
6. Do we agree the
Bible is absolute and pure Truth?
Yes _____ No
_____ If not, stop talking. You're not going to get
anywhere if there is no baseline that all can agree upon.
7. Do we agree
that there is no person, denomination, philosophy, opinion or belief,
no matter how pervasive or common, that overrides the Word of the Bible?
Yes _____ No
_____ If not, stop talking, at least one of you has violated the
First Commandment.
8. That is, do we
agree that the Bible is MORE true than anything from any other
source, even our own personal experience?
Yes _____ No
_____ If not, stop talking. See # 7.
9. Again, do we
agree that there is not anything ELSE that shares the SAME level of
authority as the Bible? That is, nothing just as good.
Yes
_____ No _____ If not, stop talking. See # 7.
10. Do we agree
that there may be questions for which we will not be able to know the
final answer until we can ask Jesus in person?
Yes ____ No ____
If not, stop talking. At least one of you is too arrogant and short-sighted.
11. Are we willing
to concede that it's a possibility, however remote, that this
argument could be one of those?
Yes ____ No ____
If not, stop talking. See # 10.
12. Are we willing
to speak slowly, calmly, humbly and pray continuously that nothing
that comes out of our mouths will be anything other than the Truth in love?
Yes ____ No ____
If not, probably ought to stop talking. Likely it will go badly.
13. Are we willing
to quietly listen to the Holy Spirit as we work this out together,
even if He says something we don't like?
Yes ____ No ____
If not, stop talking, at least one of you doesn't understand who is
really in charge.
14. Are we willing
to pray honestly and earnestly before we start talking to ask that
God control and direct this discussion?
Yes ____ No _____
If not, stop talking, one of you is relying on your own power instead
of God.
15. Are we willing
to stop immediately and walk away if it turns out either of us didn't
really mean any of the above?
Yes ____ No _____
If not, stop talking and start at the top again and pray harder.
Or let it go.
OK, if you got
this far, there's a pretty good chance you both love Jesus.
This could still go badly, so be VERY careful.
16. Clearly state
the true point of contention in as simple and pure a form as possible:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
17. List Bible
verses in agreement:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
18. List
Bible verses in disagreement:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
19. Do we agree
that these are all quoted in context and appropriate to the
discussion at hand?
Yes _____ No _____
If no, negotiate through those verses in as much detail as possible.
20. Do we see a
clear winner in the argument right now?
Yes _____ If
yes, then one of you needs to adjust their actions accordingly.
Maybe even repentance is in order. Pray together and thank God
for His love and mercy shown to you and that He cared enough to send
someone to lovingly correct you. Thank God that you were used
by God to bring this word of reproof or instruction. Both pray
that you will be able to learn from this process and be better at it
next time.
No _____
Proceed below.
21. Is there
non-Biblical information that needs to be included?
Yes _____ Really?
Are you sure you need to be talking about this? Couldn't you
wait and do it in heaven? If yes, proceed.
No _____
Good for you. Skip to # 28.
22. Just as a
double check, do you both agree non-Biblical information of any sort
is secondary to Scriptural authority?
Yes _____ No _____
Shoot! You've messed this all up! Start over at the
top. We were doing so well, too!
23. Can you both
agree on the non-Biblical information included and it's needfulness
and validity to resolve this issue?
Yes _____ OK then,
keep moving.
No _____ BE VERY
CAREFUL! This is where things always start falling apart.
24. List the
non-Biblical evidence that is in agreement by both:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
25. If there
is non-Biblical evidence that is in disagreement:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
26. Is there
Scripture that specifically counters, rebukes or otherwise nullifies
ANY of the non-Biblical evidence. List it:
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
________________________________________________________________________________________________________
27. Do we see a
clear winner in the argument right now?
Yes _____
Then one of you needs to adjust their actions accordingly.
Maybe even repentance is in order. Pray together and thank God
for His love and mercy shown to you and that He cared enough to send
someone to lovingly correct you. Thank God that you were used
by God to bring this word of reproof or instruction. Both pray
that you will be able to learn from this process and be better at it
next time.
No
_____ Proceed below.
28. Is everybody
still smiling and speaking carefully and prayerfully?
Yes _____ Good for
you! Jesus is SOOO happy! He's knows this is hard.
Keep moving.
No _____
Stop right now and drop it - or, if you both agree, pray and calmly
start again. Anger, bitterness and pride are of the enemy.
29. Are you so
worn out by this process that you'd just like to drop it?
Yes _____ Wait!
You said it had "eternal consequences" to somebody's
soul! Maybe you should stick it out. (Unless you've come to see
it really doesn't.)
No _____ Ok,
then keep moving.
30. Is everyone
clear on where everyone stands and what the evidence is?
Yes _____ No
______ If no, then go back and try to talk through the areas of
confusion. Maybe it's because evidence provided is "proof
texted" and not really about the issue at hand.
31. Is it possible
there is other important information out there that needs to be found
and included?
Yes _____ Table
this until that information can be gathered. Pray that the Holy
Spirit would guide you to find it.
No _____ Wow,
that's kind of a strong assertion. But if you both agree, OK
then, keep moving.
32. If there is no
other information out there and you're still not in agreement, you
should pray to see if there is any human obstacle placed in the way
of Truth - like pride, selfishness, laziness, disobedience, sin,
factions, etc. Praying together would be best, but table it and
pray individually if you agree that would be fine. Take as long
as you need and mutually agree to. Listen to the direction of
the Holy Spirit very carefully. If it has "eternal
consequences" it's worth handling right - even if it doesn't go
as fast as you'd like. Wait on the Lord. Be willing to
change if you're the problem.
Did that help and
settle the issue?
Yes ______
Great! Wasn't that fun? Then one of you needs to adjust their
actions accordingly. Maybe even repentance is in order.
Pray together and thank God for His love and mercy shown to you and
that He cared enough to send someone to lovingly correct you.
Thank God that you were used by God to bring this word of reproof or
instruction. Both pray that you will be able to learn from this
process and be better at it next time.
No _____
Wow. This is a tough one! Ok, keep moving.
33. Does one or
both of you believe the other one is stubbornly refusing to face
reality and what has clearly been laid out in front of them?
Yes _____ There
you go. That's the problem. Somebody's not being loving
(probably both). Start over and mean it this time. Pray
harder to be like Jesus.
No _____
34. Is it possible
that this is one of those things to which we just won't know the
answer until we ask Jesus in person?
Yes _____ Then
let's just leave it there and go preach the Gospel. Don't spend
any more time on it and don't let it divide you.
No _____
That's awfully strong. Maybe you should seek council from
others who have lots and lots of discernment and clearly hear God (as
evidenced by the positive fruit in their lives). NOTE: That's
not necessarily seminary graduates or people that have written
books. Keep moving.
35. Is it resolved?
Yes _____
Then one of you needs to adjust their actions accordingly.
Maybe even repentance is in order. Pray together and thank God
for His love and mercy shown to you and that He cared enough to send
someone to lovingly correct you. Thank God that you were used
by God to bring this word of reproof or instruction. Both pray
that you will be able to learn from this process and be better at it
next time.
No
_____ Nothing left to be done but to keep praying for wisdom.
God always honors that. Don't pray the other person will see it
your way. Pray that you will both have wisdom and find Truth.
Check back on the topic as agreed, but don't push so hard. If
it has eternal consequences God is highly motivated to help you
resolve it. Be holy and clean. That always helps.
Copyright Doug
Perry 2005. www.FellowshipOfTheMartyrs.com
Use freely, but
with a link and with no changes.
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